Monthly Archives: September 2012

A longing of the soul.

Prayer is not asking.
It is a longing of the soul.
It is daily admission of one’s weakness.
It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

~ Mahatma Gandhi ~

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Worn.

Last week I had a dear friend who shared with me that she sees a strength in me that I didn’t have two years ago, a maturity that comes from struggle, from challenge, from overcoming … from dependence.

Funny, because I feel weaker than I have in some time.  I’m exhausted. Worn out. Stretched to my limits. Happy, but discouraged to fight the same battle over and over again.

But then, maybe that’s the key.

The strength my friend saw? It was a strength that comes only from the loving hand of an Almighty God who equips us to stand, courageous, every single day.  It was a strength that has come through a year and a half of nose-to-the-ground hard work and stress professionally … and probably only because of that has it come. You see, I think God’s had it waiting there for me all along, but I’ve sailed through the “daily” part of living for too long independently.  I simply didn’t need any more strength to get by.

Or so I thought.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of struggles and my life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses.  There’s been plenty of barbed wire thrown in there.  But all in all, my life in the “daily living” sense has been very blessed.  It’s been the nitty gritty, internal inadequacies and self-judgments that have been my thorn in the flesh.

So it wasn’t until I found myself in a new role professionally, surrounded by newness with literally hundreds of people looking to me to lead the way, that I had to admit that I. Wasn’t. Enough.

Oh, you see, I’ve said that all along in my own way – I’m Not Good Enough.  But you see, that’s not how the story goes.  “Good” isn’t a part of the equation, we can’t earn what God so lavishly bestows upon us.  The story goes like this: We are not enough, but GOD is, and that’s all that matters.  God working in and through us, God walking hand in hand through the “daily” part of life with us – that’s how we find that oh-so-elusive Enough.

Enough.

A word that has haunted me for so many years.  A word that whispers to me in those hours of sleeplessness.  A word that shouts at me with every misstep.

Worn. Discouraged. Weary. Tired. Frustrated.

Enough.

God. Is. Enough.

It was not my strength my friend saw, but God’s – and how grateful I am that even when I didn’t know how to ask for it (or, more likely, was too stubborn and independent to ask for it), He provided it nonetheless.

Now I face some new mountains on the horizon – the personal ones.  Those nitty-gritty feelings of personal inadequacy, self-judgement, and reproach. I know God’s calling me to be “real” enough to give voice to that struggle, to share it with a few prayer warriors, to stop letting Satan have the victory in this area of my life time and time again. I know He’s calling me to let go of it – wholly, completely, without reservation. God wants me to claim and experience the victory that He’s already won for me.

So what’s stopping me?  That nagging word: vulnerable. Or how about another: depend. Or another: trust.  Ouch.  This time God’s calling me to say it out loud – so that He may strengthen me not just on my own, but through fellowship with dear friends with whom I entrust my heart.

Are you worn today?  May the sincerity of the words in this song touch you and let you know that you are not alone, and may the peace & rest of God envelop you this week.