inspiration, part one.

I admit it: I live in details.

My work is dependent upon being thorough in the details. Data, spreadsheets, policies, procedures … all roll around constantly in my long-term memory.

My life is details. I am meticulous, organized, thoroughly planned. If it’s happening, I want to put it on my calendar – and really? I’d like to know about it ahead of time. I can tell you what my “week-at-a-glance” looks like before I’ve climbed out of bed on Monday morning.

(Of course that doesn’t mean the week ever actually happens that way once my feet hit the floor!)

 Call it curiosity. Call it worry. Call it whatever you want.

The fact remains the same: I find comfort in information overload.

I don’t just want to know what happened or what will happen. I want to know why, when, who, and how.

I want to know all the possible consequences of a decision before I act.

I question. I suspect. I doubt. I worry.

But sometimes??

Sometimes, God doesn’t give us the details that we want – or that we feel we need.  And I’ll be the first to say that I do not handle these times well.

Goodness knows I try. I want to have better faith because deep down, I know that God caresses every last detail of my life in His loving hands. He has a perfect plan for me. He will care for me in ways that are beyond my simple comprehension.

In the past year and with His perfect craftsmanship and timing, God has brought about some incredible changes in my life that can only go to confirm just how much He loves me.

You would think I’d learn from that.

And yet, when something throws me off kilter: I still doubt. I question, I cry. I whine. How I hate that about myself, and how ashamed I am in those moments because in them, I KNOW. I know how little faith I am demonstrating, how much I must be breaking God’s heart.

God could look at my lack of faith and call it a hopeless cause. 

He won’t. But He could.

He could allow me to be shamed by fellow believers who are proud and vocal in their faith, and sometimes quick to shame those who are not there yet.

But He doesn’t. Instead, He protects me from them, knowing those condemnations, though usually offered in love, will do nothing to help a quavering heart.

God is such a gentle, patient Teacher.

He uses so many different ways to instruct us in the way we should go, and He chooses just the right way for each beloved child in each moment of life.

Think about that for a moment.

He knows you. He knows your heart. And He cares so much about you that even when you need to be pruned, to be refined, God is deliberate and thoughtful in every detail.